Gosh, I'm almost 19 weeks now - that's practically half way there. As we go on, I get more and more emotional on a regular basis: yes, hormonal in part but as the movements become more and more tangible, a big part of me is drawn back into last year, and my pregnancy with Josie.
The movements of this little one feel so similar to Josie's movements at the same time: the little turnings, the twisting of baby's little body and the strong, viable kicks punches I get from baby's arms and legs. All state "I am ALIVE, I CANNOT be denied!" - all state "I am here to stay..."
It's also getting to the stage in which I need to be very careful that I pick the right health care provider. I really like the doctor I have, but he does practice in a hospital with a rather stoic policy on VBAC, which is what I will be attempting. So, he's rather bound by the rules - at least during the night. I don't want to have to go there and find myself at the receiving end of a pen and a statement of consent for a cesarean, simply because my timing is inconvenient. Therefore, we are going to be having a discussion on Monday as to what the realistic outlook is as far as actually getting the birth I want in the hospital closest to me.
The alternative is a hospital about an hour and fifteen minutes away. They are very VBAC friendly and a friend of mine has used the practice and likes the doctors and nurses there very much. So that's an option as well. It's funny, with me, the closer I get to 30 weeks, the more adamant I am about birthing the way I want to.
Yet at the same time, there's a part of me that dares not believe I will end up with a healthy, eyes-wide-open baby at the end of it all... It all seems so...fairy-tale. There was such an unbelievable ending; such a brick-wall event at the end of my last pregnancy that it seems my mind is unable to really imagine - or dare imagine - a time after the birth in which I am holding my child, wide awake and staring at me for the first time... Could it really be that I might get to wrap up my newborn in soft little homemade diapers and put him or her in a sling... Could it really be that I get to hold my baby for more that 27 hours after birth? The thought fills me with such a huge amount of joy: I can only liken it to a delusional person thinking they might win the lottery, and deciding in advance what they'd do with all the money... It just seems...so unrealistic.
Nevertheless I DO find myself looking forward, looking toward baby baths and baby oil, breastfeeding and yes, a comfortable, natural, healing birth in a kind place.
Even now, as I sit here, listening to Neil Young sing "Helpless", I sway from side to side with my hand on my belly, because I'm rocking and loving my child, far away from medical intervention and surgical knives... We can do this together, me and the baby, H and R, all of us together...we'll make this little dream come true...