Saturday, January 10, 2009

We are trying again...

Trying again.

Trying again.

"Trying again" - gosh it's such a funny thing to say as if the first time had been a failure, or we'd forgotten to put glue on her knee joints or had accidentally made her out of felt and tape instead of flesh and bone. It almost implies that one put the other baby in the "oops" pile and ahem..try again. It's so odd.

So let me put it this way instead: we are attempting to create another little human being. The first time was a grand success with a tragedy at the end. We are hoping this next time will be another grand success, but not with the tragedy at the end, you know?

Josie lives in the space between us. She lays there quietly with her eyes shut, day after day, and that is where she is going to stay forever, sleeping like that with her eyes shut. It's as though she's our own sleeping beauty, sleeping in a glass case there between us - a forever baby.

I am having a day with tears in my eyes today though - I have them sometimes. Tears have been in my eyes waiting to come out since 6.30am this morning when I got up. Since the dream that brought them on, only coming out properly at 2pm when I spoke to H about it.

Having a forever baby is making me cry today. I'm fragile today - not strong, but feeling a little winded and in need of a sit down. I've also gone back to work, though not in the former job thank goodness - in a much easier role. I don't know if I can continue working like that for long though, so I know I need to get my painting and illustration going properly before I lose it totally and just quit! I plan to be freelance by the summer this year...

I have a need to be pregnant with new life now though, too. It's a feeling that comes from the very bottom of my soul - the soul that would have loved to hold Josie still in her arms, and not just in the middle of her chest where her heart is. It's not about unfairness because it's nothing to do with fair or unfair. It's just the need to be creative comes with a need to create and if a part of me has stopped creating, the rest of my creative parts have a very hard time operating. I really don't have a clue how I will get my painting started properly without being pregnant again. I need to have this creation inside me to be inspired. After the new creation comes out and lives, my inspiration will be fine. But now...in limbo...I am stuck. Stuck and going nowhere.

So, we are trying. I am hoping we can be successful and don't have to wait long. In some ways, I think that a portion of my mourning for Josie has to be done during or after another pregnancy. I don't know if that makes any sense, but I feel like I am waiting now at a station for a train that embodies another pregnancy to guide me to another place. I am ready, so I am sitting there on the bench, quietly hoping in my heart that we can see another heart beating in my belly soon.

3 comments:

Shannon Ryan said...

aww Jay, you will get your rainbow baby! And then you will paint - lots and lots of beautiful rainbow paintings! :) I'm still holding out hope for you this month! ;)

A day in the Life... said...

I hope you get your BFP soon!

Em said...

Jay, you write eloquently.
I remember the need I felt to be pregnant again after losing my son.
It was, as you describe it, deep, visceral. I, too, felt it would help me in the grieving and healing process . . . and indeed, it has. May your month come soon.