Monday, January 5, 2009

Christmas is past

Well, Christmas has come and gone. I can't say it was a terrible occasion. Actually the day itself was peaceful and quite pleasant. But the festive feeling - the joy - wasn't there this year. Not to say I wasn't happy the entire time, just that the atmosphere was guarded and subdued.

I didn't spend the whole day thinking about Josie. I didn't drive out and cry inconsolably at her grave either, like I did on Thanksgiving, when I really and truly, for that day, could not think of things for which to be grateful. On Thanksgiving I played Shaker hymns from the radio all over the cemetery for all the little babies, and sobbed into McDonalds napkins until I'd run out.

No, this Christmas I ate good food and gave presents, and nobody left the house like they did on Thanksgiving. Kind of "fake it until you make it", yes, 'tis true - but on the other hand I felt better at the end of the day than I would have, had I spent all day crying. I didn't cry once on Christmas.

Do I feel bad about that? No - not at all. I feel good about it actually. I can remember my daughter without bursting into tears. That's a good thing. When I want to look at her now, I can do it without tears obscuring absolutely everything.

For Christmas, I got some jam (yes, jam), a lovely mug, a necklace and a beautiful coat from H. And various other things. I gave H a stone chess set, which he liked but which we have yet to play. Perhaps we can do that tonight. My brother and sister were over from England for the occasion, which was awesome - I've missed them so much! How could I have had a bad Christmas with them here?

Here are some pictures of all of us:


Shannon Ryan said...

Fun times in the snow! I didn't cry a whole lot on Christmas either (just a bit misty when my inlaws gave me a garden memorial).. my bad day was New Years Eve - sob sob!! Happier days ahead for us all!

L.A. said...

Death is so final. That's what I hate the most about it since losing Gretta. There is nothing I can do about it, NOTHING.
Christmas, we cried. It was just too much. I'm glad you didn't. On days where I am not crying, maybe you are, and vice versa. All of us mothers, crying bitter and cleansing tears.

I go for days sometimes without crying, then all of a sudden I am shaking again completely and I wretch to the depths of my soul with sorrow again. It's been 4 months now since Gretta went home. 4 months without touching, hugging, kissing, playing, laughing with her, everything.

But I look at your pictures from Christmas and I am encouraged that your Christmas was good. Very glad.