Sunday, October 9, 2011

I wish...

I'm having a bad day. Tomorrow will be worse and for some stupid reason I made a doctor's appointment right smack in the middle of it. I'll probably walk in there and they'll want to know my medical history (first appointment with a new primary caregiver) which of course will include Josie, and I'll lose it.

So here I vent in an attempt to get some of this stuff out of my head...

Back in the glorious days of childhood; back in the days of magical thinking; back in the days of believing that people could come back to life; that bad things wouldn't happen if you just behaved well; that there were far-away fantasy lands in which giants roamed through the autumn leaves and everyone grew up...

I remember confidently telling my dad that if I grew up to be beautiful like Marilyn Monroe, then no bad guys would shoot me because I'd be too pretty to kill. I was about nine - he told me that no, bad guys would kill me regardless. He was right, of course. One of many push-pins that attached my psyche firmly to the walls of reality.

In so many ways, losing Josie threw me back to childhood myself. Back to the time of wonderment at everything, simply because I survived too. I'd been reborn and had to re-learn everything I'd ever known. In many ways, that is magical, that survival and the ensuing "different" that it makes you. In other ways it's alienating though.

This year will be the first year I've ever spent alone since Josie died. I will drive, alone, out to her grave before dawn and get out of the car and sit on the ground and cry. And watch the sun come up.

In one aspect, Josie's third birthday makes me want to crumple into a heap. In another, it makes me so angry that I want to smash everything up into thousands of pieces. This time of year is always bad. I want to shout "it's so f*cking unfair - I've had it!" It makes me want to say the following things, selfish or pedantic as they might be:

"All I ever wanted was a family, but then she dies and absolutely everything fall apart irreconcilably. Nothing happens for any friggin' reason. It's all bullsh*t."

"I was hard to understand before, already had enough to tell people that would put them off me completely. Now this too? Don't want to re-tell my story any more, want to live in a damn cave for the rest of my life. It's all crap and I'm so tired. So tired. So exhausted. So weak. So done."

"I don't want this burden any more; don't want to hold it up by myself and can't ask anyone else to help me. So lonely. Everything is useless. Alone, inside the high walls of my mind which have doors I won't come near enough to open because I'm too scared of the stuff people will see what's the point?"

"Everything just goes away. Emotions are poured out, hearts are opened and still, everything just goes away. Sometimes, I hate loving."

"I want to smash all the cups and the plates in my house and throw everything I own out of the window but instead, here I sit because I can't scare my beautiful living daughter. I have to pretend to be a normal person so that she will be okay."

"I'm so angry. I'm so hurt. I'm so hurt. I'm so hurt. I'm so hurt."

"When will I wake up? Please can I wake up now. This is a really long bad dream now. I've had enough now. I want to wake up and be four again, when everything was okay."

I'm broken, glad nobody else is here because I'm sure they wouldn't be able to handle me like this. No makeup, no airs and graces, just a woman in a puddle of tears. I wouldn't go near me if I were anyone else.

Now the tiredness has set in. I'll be really really glad when tomorrow is done. I feel really sick. Sorry if this entry sounds self-centered - I suppose it is really, since it's all about how I'm feeling. Bella is sweetly sleeping, looking like a little angel so it's just me here. I'm so glad she's alive - I'm so blessed with her.


Mermaidmidwife said...

I send u love..

Lauren B

Mira said...

Sending you so much love.

Shannon Ryan said...

Jay, we all have our bad moments.. our "selfish" thoughts.. we all deserve our little 3 year olds too! Missing Josie with you and grateful that you have Bella to snuggle today! Happy 3rd birthday sweet Josie. you are so very loved! :)

Krissy said...

I wish I could sit with you. I wish I could fly out there and sit with you. You would look at me and know I understand. I have not had a full-term stillbirth. But I know pain.

I wish I could sit with you because then you would understand in the pit of your stomach that you aren't alone. Even though sometimes it feels like you are. Even though you might be technically alone in this room this minute... you are not alone. And you are loved. Truly.

You have changed me. You brought me joy. I talk about Josie's Sunrise with my family. We talk about loving each other and appreciating every moment we get. Because of you. My life is better with you in it, even just through the internet.

I wish I could sit with you. I wish I could take some of your burdens from you. But I can't. It feels like a failure. But I can love you. And I can tell you that even though you feel alone and empty and worthless... you aren't.

The only empty we get to have is the kind where we purge out the things that are no longer serving us to make room for things that do. It's ok to take Bella with you and sob in front of her. It's ok that every year on Josie's birthday Mama goes to the cemetery and cries and the rest of the year Mama deals with it differently.

You don't have to look perfect or always strong. That would actually be a bad thing. You will mourn your daughter forever. That's ok. It's part of you too. I will always miss the children I miscarried.

Fireflyforever said...

I still get so very angry and I still sometimes believe it's a bad dream that will end sometime soon. (((HUGS)))

Remembering sweet, beautiful Josie today (and, oh my word, she was so very, very beautiful wasn't she?) and wishing she was here with her mama and her little sister.

B.W. said...

Wishing I could give you a gigantic hug!

Hope's Mama said...

I get this, I really do. Missing Josie.