Saturday, May 2, 2009

You know the feeling when you...

...take a turn in the road, and suddenly, the sun comes out from behind a cloud, illuminating the glorious spring landscape and suddenly you realize you've been focusing on the road so much that you didn't notice everything was getting greener?

...find your eyes lift up and the frown between them that you didn't realize you had accumulated flattens out and your entire body just breathes, having held it's breath for months?

...find yourself smiling without realizing you wanted to and feel good about that very fact?

...feel unafraid of a potentially enormous decision you just made, because you know it was the right one?

...feel yourself just becoming lighter because the meaning of life has hit you right in the face like a dandelion seed, and the world becomes bigger and clearer as a result, with a beautiful horizon formerly so obviously close drawing so much further away?

I feel so good. Hormonal, yes, it's true. It's a terribly busy time right now - someone new is occupying the space Josie once held, and that is a joyous feeling but boy, so interesting to think I am now a mother of two biological children and not just one. I've done this before, now. Still, nine months seems like so far away... I cannot wait to feel the downy, soft head of my little one, warm and close, just like Josie, who was also so warm and soft.

Of course, like so many others in my position, I am hoping beyond hope that everything goes well. I am going to be hanging by a thread, I know, until the end of the first trimester.

But still, this pregnancy feels "right". It feels strong! I am experiencing the same symptoms as Josie for the most part - some of them sooner. Right now, since my cycle was due to renew itself, I am feeling odd and crampy and the ligaments in my mama belly are stretching out a little sooner. Hormones have made my tummy pooch out. I've missed my big tummy.

It sounds so funny to say this, but when I was in hospital after having Josie my body was almost screaming "No! I want a re-do! Give me a mulligan! Please! Now!" - now I am almost back there again, and my body is remembering and saying "Ah yes...this is how I was before - let's go back to that again. We liked that."

It was over six months ago now - I had to get used to a dark world after that - one where the colors were faded. I think that's what it was - not getting past death, but instead getting used to the less beautiful life and learning to cope with it being like that until something new had taken over again.

Now, there are a whole host of colors in my life again. It's a little bit like lighting an oil lamp behind a stained glass window - all of a sudden, they shine out again and you'd forgotten they were there at all, because it was dark before, and you couldn't see.

I am looking forward so much to being at home and being creative. Just two weeks left now. Less than two weeks. I will step on the stained glass of the window like the tiniest fairy and dive into every color, and blaze with the creativity of me. This is what I was born to do. I am so excited! It's you and me, little baby. Neither of us are alone any more.


forwardtumble said...

I'm so happy for you! Congratulations!!! Enjoy every minute, every day of the months and years to come.

Life is so precious.

xx Ines

Shannon Ryan said...

Isn't the feeling wonderful!?

Make sure to enjoy every single minute... I KNOW you will! :)

Fireflyforever said...

"The creativity of me". You are one of the most creative individuals I know and I know you and little one relish the creativity of your pregnancy together.

lucky little bird said...

I followed you to your blog from your posts on the Mothering forum. We are dealing with a loss of our own and I will start peeing on a stick again in a week. I am just thrilled for you and your news!

Mira said...

Praying for you and the little bean! Josie is so lovely - I'd been lurking for a while here and on MDC, and while I so wish you had your girl here with you, I am also so happy to hear that this new babe is on the way. Be well.

isleta521 said...

Hello JJ, Have followed you on VJ way back when we first started our journey. I am very happy for you as I just logged on to that site where I seen the great news. I wish you the best which you truly deserve. Stay healthy and happy. isleta521

Shelley and Don said...

Oh Mama! This is Shelley from Mothering and I didn't know you are expecting again! Im so overjoyed for you I am in tears. I was just speaking of you today to a friend. About how you lost little Josie a month before we lost Xavier and yet you still sent me 2 care packages and made me feel so loved and cared for!
I know you will cherish every moment of this pregnancy and I look forward to the sigh of joy and relief when you are holding your screaming, pink little baby in your arms!