Friday, February 20, 2009

An Ode to my body...

Having spent so much time reminiscing about how my body used to look, and how much my scar bothers me, and how defeated as a woman I used to feel just at the prospect of my own cesarean, I felt compelled today to write more about how well I've healed, despite everything.

Now I know, I've complained an awful lot about my c section. I still do not like that I was cut open. I mean hello - that's the most important part of my body, and nope, I didn't like the experience one bit and frankly, I find the idea that first time mums are choosing this procedure over natural childbirth...well, completely straight-jacket-style insanity. But hey, after all of that, my bouncy little body actually did manage to rectify itself pretty nicely. Let me show you a
picture of what my scar looks like right now:

Now honestly, isn't that really quite neat? There's been not tomfoolery or doctoring of the above snap - you can tell because you can see where I had my clothes on my belly (the wrinkled lines). It's not causing me any kind of trouble. I have absolutely no overhang, as I know some ladies with c section scars have been left with. That's my tummy, up there - that's how it looks. Just a little red slit really, isn't it. That's just the exterior, too - I can't feel the stitches in my muscles at all any more and my uterus feels totally separate from the external scarring I have - actually, my womb feels completely healed - yes, totally whole again. The cut on my womb in the first place, when full term, was smaller than the external cut and went the same way.

All together, I think I've done rather well - or rather, I think my body has done rather well indeed. I've just sat here wrestling with emotional issues - my body has known how to heal with the help of my vitamin concoction, which has become an object of confused fascination for H, who now wants to put up a shelf to house all the bottles. I agree - I think I do need a shelf. Perhaps I need an entire cupboard in which to house the herbs and vitamins that have helped me heal...

Anyway, so there we have it. That's my belly. In the end, the incision scar is a permanent new resident of my body and I have no choice other than to try to welcome it into my being and provide it's tissue the same nourishment and healing potency as I give to the rest of my body. Psychologically it's still hard to totally do that, but I try more every day and as I try, I find that the very small amount of feeling I lost in that area is slowly coming back.

So there, that is how Josie came out. Now that I am healed, perhaps soon there will be another little life deep inside there to shine it's life force out through my belly and my incision. Perhaps I will get a tattoo on my incision some day, try to celebrate it some how. I don't know.


Shannon Ryan said...

Well, as far as scars go, that's a beauty! It looks like a smile, sort of! Mine doesn't look that pretty... I have to lift my flabby belly to see it! hehehe And now I know that my rainbow baby will come out of there too.. just like Gwen and Dresden. On the positive side of c-sections.. when my kids ask how babies come out.. I can tell them honestly that they came out of my BELLY! :) haha

Rachel said...

my scar hurts looking at yours. It's still an emotional place for me.

Found you on!